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Infidelity and Narcissism - Overview PDF Print E-mail

 

 

For short summary of contents of this website, visit Resources

 

The goal of this website is to offer support and information for people who are experiencing problems related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I have experienced these things and I know exactly what you are going through. I started this website hoping to be able to use my personal experiences in order to help others who are experiencing similar emotional roller coaster.

I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, please excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to be able to help as many people as I can around the world to deal with their emotions and live a happier life. If you would like to help me to improve this website by helping me to proofread articles published here, please send me email to  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Update: I wish to clarify an important point: When I say "narcissistic wife/husband" somewhere on this site, I refer to a person who APPEARS to have narcissistic tendencies (it is not possible to make an actual "diagnosis" of anyone without extensive experience and knowing the person. I have mentioned this point in many of my replies but I wish to emphasize it here one more time as this is very important). Also, when I started this website several years ago my English was worse than it is today and consequently some of the oldest articles and my replies on the site may appear clumsy in terms of language. I am currently in the process of re-reading everything through and I will try to correct all sentences than can possibly be interpreted in a wrong way by some visitors, however the site is so large that it takes time to do this, so for now I want to emphasize that if you see me make statements such as "narcissistic wife/husband", please be aware that this means that a given person only appears to be narcissistic (to me) based on the description that was given to me in a certain letter, and not that I am trying to suggest that I know for sure that a person who I have never met is 100% narcissist. My replies to people are meant to be peer-to-peer support, not a professional advice (I warmly recommend to everyone who is feeling depressed or anxious to see a professional counsellor). This website is a peer-to-peer support site, and I wish that all visitors will take it as such.

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I have background in the field of neurosciences and perhaps for that reason my negative experiences made me very interested in the mechanisms of the brain and the mind that lead us to feel such pain, anger, depression and anxiety when we learn our beloved one has been cheating on us or when we experience mental or physical abuse. I want to emphasize that I am not a therapist, instead I have been involved in basic brain research (I am M.Sci in the field of neurosciences, not an MD. To read more about my background and why I wish to remain anonymous, please see my reply to this letter that was posted to me by one of the visitors of this site).

This is a peer-to-peer support website and nothing that I say is intended to be a medical advise similar to that given by a therapists. I want to be very clear about this so that people do not get an impression that they are being misled in any way. The things that I describe on this website helped me to heal myself after experiencing a devastating relationship, but what worked for me does not necessarily work for you; you alone know your situation thoroughly and so you need to decide yourself what is the right way for you.

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I have been overwhelmed by the amount of emails I have received from people all around the world telling about their difficult situation. My wish is to be able to help all those who are writing to me by sharing my own experiences and giving support any way I can. I am very grateful to all those who have sent me email and gave me positive feedback regarding this website. Your messages serve as a fuel that keeps me going and gives me the strength and energy to continue this work. Thank you so very much!

 

Cheating, narcissism and mental abuse

I now know how it feels like when the beloved one is letting one down emotionally. The emotional reactions related to crisis such as cheating or mental abuse are very natural and often tend to follow certain pattern. It helps to know that you are not alone and to know what you should expect from the following weeks and months after you found out about cheating or you have been mentally abused. If you are living with an abusive spouse who also shows signs of being narcissistic and possibly a cheater, it helps you to recover faster if you understand that there is nothing wrong with you but that your spouse could be suffering of narcissism which often leads to cheating and mental abuse. "Narcissism" is a broad concept and it is not possible to "diagnose" anyone without meeting them, but it is still possible to see some signs that might suggest a given person might have narcissistic tendencies. If these signs are present and one is simultaneously having serious problems in a relationship, one cannot rule out the possibility that one is dealing with a narcissistic person.


Emotions related to mental abuse

I felt I lived in total darkness for a long time during the final years and also several months after my relationship ended. In the beginning everything went well and I was head over heels in love with my partner, but as time went by I slowly started to realize that the man who I was with was very different from what I had thought. All kinds of mixed emotions related to negative things that had happened were spinning in my head during those times. I had never met a person like my spouse before and I had no idea how to cope with his behavior or with my own bad feeling caused by his abusive manners.

On the other hand I wanted to stay in my relationship but I had been deeply wounded and had mixed feelings of confusion, frustration, pain and anger towards my spouse. In the end he actually admitted being abusive and said he wanted to change, but unfortunately too much had happened and I simply could not bring myself to give the relationship yet one more try.

I think the fact that I started to do a bit of literature search related to narcissism and mental abuse (motivated by my own painful experiences and my will to understand what was happening to me) served as a form of a self-protection mechanism, a way to maintain the integrity of my mind. I felt that if I could better understand the physiological and mental basis of my painful emotions I could learn to control myself and my emotions better, instead of letting the situation control me.

 

Mental abuse and the brain

It took long time but via practice I slowly learned that indeed a human mind can be trained to overcome obstacles (even ones related to mental abuse) more effectively, in same manner as muscles in our body can be trained to perform better via exercise. This new way of thinking changed everything for me. If you wish to read more about this topic, visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

I have collected to this website some of the key things that I discovered during my literature search and as a result of my personal experiences. Once again I wish to emphasize that all articles on this site are my subjective interpretations of what I have read and they are aimed for peer-to-peer support purposes only rather than being an actual medical advice. I also wish to emphasize again that I am not an MD so please take this website as it is: a peer-to-peer support community aimed to help people who are going through difficult times in their lives. I will constantly add new articles and information as I continue my literature search on these topics.

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Knowledge is power! If it worked for me, it can work for you. You alone can decide how your life will evolve from this point on; you have a freedom to choose to stop being a victim and start enjoying every day of your life the way you enjoyed when you were a child. The aim of this website is to help you to get started in the process of becoming new stronger You.

Warm thoughts,

- Maria

You can contact me by sending email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

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For more resources related to narcissism and cheating, please go to section Cheating And Narcissism Resources. To read about biological basis of emotions and how negative events such as cheating affect the brain, please go to section Brain and Emotions. To read more about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating And Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories or Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories of Narcissistic Spouse. To read about narcissism and how the mind of narcissist works, go to section Narcissism.

 

From this website you find the following sections

 

For short summary of contents of this website, visit page Cheating and Narcissism Resources

Methods for Controlling Your Emotions

Methods and tips that help you to recover faster after emotional tragedies. It is possible to teach the brain to react differently in certain situations in same fashion as it is possible to teach the body and muscles to react in a certain way when we learn to ride a bicycle, to dance etc. Via practice you can learn to control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you. Read more about these topics from section Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Cheating and Infidelity

Learn to understand and cope with the emotions related to cheating. Do not let depression, anxiety, mistrust and insecurity turn your life into misery. I know what you have been through. Why do we feel the way we do after learning our spouse has been cheating on us and lying to us? Emotions related to cheating are the results of certain biochemical reactions in our brain. Via sufficient practice we can train our brain to react differently in certain situations in same manner as we train our body to move in a certain way while learning for example some new sport, to dance etc. It is possible to alter fixed thought processes and arm ourselves against the tragedies in life so that negative events would not crush us. Learn to understand how painful emotions related to mental abuse and betrayal are created in the brain. Get new insights, help and support from this section.

Narcissism

Information of narcissism, infidelity, mental abuse and how it is like to live with a partner who appears to have narcissistic tendencies. Support and advice for coping with mental abuse. Learn to recognize the signs of mental abuse and understand how the mind of a narcissist works. Learn the ways to influence a narcissistic person. Most importantly, learn to heal your mind after mental abuse and betrayal; stop being a victim and regain the control of your life.

Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity

Personal stories of people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, depression, anxiety, insecurity, mental abuse and betrayal. You are not alone, I wish to help you get through the emotional pain you are now experiencing. I have been in same situation as you, I know exactly how you are feeling. I was able to get over my pain, you can do it too. I created this website aiming to help people who are in your situation and the best reward for me is if I can ease the suffering of those who are experiencing pain due to problems in their relationship.

Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse

Personal stories of people who are living with a possibly narcissistic and mentally abusive spouse. Life with a narcissist can be very consuming and one might experience all sorts of emotional turmoils. It takes long time for the mind and the brain to heal after abusive relationship. If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship or in a relationship with a person who might be narcissist, learn to recognize the warning signs by comparing your experiences to experiences of others who have been living with a mental abuser.

Cheating Narcissism Brain Mind - Blog

This blog is dealing with topics related to narcissism, cheating, the brain and the mind.

 

 

Comments (8)
  • does it ever end?  - Why the lies still
    Dear Maria.

    Thank you for your help over the years. My narc has been -- and I don't know why this bothers me -- but telling what few mutual friends we have that rather than me throwing him out and almost getting a restraining order to keep him away from me and my son (he is not the father) - that he broke up with me because I am mentally unstable. In other words HE had to get away from ME.

    I KNOW this is not true. Our friends know this is not true. Your writings and book reiterate this as do so many of the posters on this blog...but why? Why?!

    Of course he is already set up with a new family...and he cannot stand the attention that children take away as we all know.
  • ff
    my mother is NPD, I almost suicided many times but now I know what the hell has been going on. Shit I'm so angry at life but now I have to heal because somehow I think there might be something good in it to live for.
  • deepu
    hi,i typed a long message and clicked sent.i wonder where it is now.
  • Perla  - Red Flags
    Victoria,

    From what I read you are a smart lady. You ask the questions but in some way, you give yourself the answers. I did the same in my relationship.
    When I met my husband I thought he was a great catch. He appeated humble, very polite, very spiritually inclined and appeared to have a great relationship with his parents. I didn't understand why would his exwife leave him as he also was very handsome. I saw the signs during the dating.. but made the subconsious decision to focus on the positive.. I was already 31, and started to doubt myself.. I have been on several relationships from which I ended buying a book after the breakup.. I felt well informed
    and that I had dated the whole zoo. I could put a psychiatric name to someone within 45 minutes in a date. I actually wasn't wrong.. and started to feel that with much wisdom comes much sorrow.
    The truth at the end is that love is pure, is simple and transparent. People who are healthy
    are comfortable been themselves, making mistakes.
    You were blessed to experience that with your husband. I come from a family where there's no divorce. My sister's practically married their first and only boyfriend. They are great man, and for the longest time, they thought most men were like their husbands. After witnessing my life and dating 4 Narcissists.. they have realized how blessed they are. Narc are very charming, magnetic and addictive. I gues since they don't have love in their heart they are able to invest all their energy and time for themselves. They are robotic and learn people's behavior as they don't know how to feel. They will do and say what you want to hear and say.
    From your post I see you recognized his past.. and his past show who he is. He also lies and hides information. Relationship of any kind requires trust.. and you cant trust someone like this. Realize that we end up with this type of people for some reason. In my case I grew up with a critical mother and this man accepted me for the first 6 months of the relationship.
    In your case, it appears that you were lonely, or in some type of emotional need and he was there at that time. You been in this website is a huge step.. You know the truth and the truth sets you free and empowers you. we have NO POWER to change anyone. Only he has that power and it requires alot of will. This personality disroder is characterized by someone who disconnected himself a long time ago.
    My husband told my counselor, "how do love"?
    Are you for real.. you have married twice
    There are soooooo many type o narcisssist as some are very sexual.. and my husband haaaaated sex. He punished me by not touching me.
    The main characteristic of ALL of them is that they can't love, they have no empathy, you are an object for whatever his purpose is in his life. The day the relationship is over... they discard you like you never existed. Him not having a relationship with her daughter is a big and bad sign, not to say those many 2 year relationships. I am glad God blessed you with 26 years next to a good man and I am sorry he is no longer with you. You have something to go by and understad what real love looks like.
    Getting married to my fraud husband tought me soo much when meeting someone in the future.
    You need to be vigilant about what they say, they do and time is a healer and a revealer.
    Don't let your emotions blur your inside instinct. Don't allow anyone to be the source of your happiness and stability. Find those things within you. Most woman today spend 25 years dating around for Mr perfect.. You were blessed to have those next to a lovng husband. Give yourself a break... learn about yourself, and not sure of your belief system.. but pray for the right person. You should feel "peace" when he comes.
    Reconnect with your friends and family more again, as I am sure your emotional vampire of your partner is taking alot of you. They will bring some sense in you, give you the support, love and advice. They have a history with you, you know you can trust them.
    If this man did things to the past woman, you are not exempt to his pattern.
    I called his exwife and was beyond blessed to know her story. If you feel that your love or obsession is huge.. you should put that energy in doing your research and call all his past woman. You will be shocked and theri stories.
    Good luck
  • Lisa
    Dear Maria:

    I am so intrigued and grateful for your website! I lost my husband of 26 years to cancer. We had a beautiful marriage. I married fairly young but was blessed. I have two boys, one 19 in college and one 13 years old in middle school. I am a school counselor and have an undergraduate degree in sociology, a Master's in School Counseling and an E.d.s. in School Administration.

    I met a man who owned some land near my home (we built on our land) approx. 4 months after my husband passed away. It was a very "natural" way to meet as he was mowing his field and it was a nice fall day (we live in beautiful Tennessee). He was very handsome and very charming.

    I found out through conversation over the next few weeks that he had been married twice (once 4 years and the second time 1 year) and that he had a daughter who was 22 years old. He had several past relationships and most of them lasted only one to two years. He did not have a relationship with his daughter and was very unclear about where she was living, etc. I later found out she lived near me--but I think he was embarrassed by the fact that he did not have a relationship with her so he referred to where she grew up in FL with her mom instead of telling me her current residence.

    His family if fairly well off. He worked for several years and climbed the ladder in a factory type job and is now going back to school in the medical field. He built a beautiful home and sold it and made a "killing" on it and was able to buy a home and is living debt free and paying for school along the way.

    He fooled me so quickly. It wasn't long before I was addicted to him--so strange. He is an amazing lover but lacks humor and empathy. He did not go at my pace as I asked him to move slowly with all of my family because of the trauma we had experienced with the loss of my husband. He forced himself on everyone and as a result noone in my family likes him. He doesn't care if anyone like's him.

    He is flirty with other women--although I know he is highly attracted to me and is proud of my accomplishments. He has commented on how well I have taken care of myself and my figure after having two children, etc. Everything revolves around him. When he comes to my house he expects me to drop everything and kiss and hug him for several long minutes regardless of the situation. I have to include him in everything I do. He makes up weird things to argue over and then I have to apologize and makes me feel guilty.

    It is crazy. Why do I go back to him.
    When we are intimate I feel as if he is putting on a show for me instead of really enjoying and loving me. Why can I not break free? Why do I go back? I had a full life before? I have so many friends (or I had them)? I know this is like a drug and I want off of it. It has been 4 months now. I was intrigued with finding out what was wrong with him--now I know....but still I am with him. Please help. Thank you for your website and your willingness and kindness to help others.

    God Bless!
  • KIM
    i dont know who you are but i felt like i was reading my story...
  • Victoria
    It is grate source of information and very good written.
    Sorry for your past relationship with such gay.
    Wish you are very happy now :D
    I am also dealing with this trap now...
  • Maria
    Dear Victoria, thank you for your message. Yes, I am doing much better nowadays, and as I look back I realize I should have left long before I actually did... But on the other hand I think I had to go through all I did in order to REALLY understand that leaving was the best option. Sometimes there is no easy way out... In the end I can say that I have no regrets, I feel during my years with N I have learned much about myself and about life in general. My view of the world has really been broadened and I can now understand so much better all those people who are having hard time detaching from a negative relationship.

    I am sorry you are in the middle of an unpleasant relationship... I wish you lots of strength, please feel free to write to me if you would like to get some external feedback for your situation! Hug, Maria
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Last Updated on Monday, 20 October 2014 16:13
 
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