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Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to Recognize a Narcissist Print E-mail



The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.



Narcissistic Personality Disorder - A Narcissistic Spouse

You may have navigated to these pages while looking for information regarding the disturbing behavior of your spouse or someone close to you. You may feel there is something wrong with your spouse, but you cannot quite figure out what it is. All you know is that you are not feeling happy and you are having hard time understanding the strange behavior of your partner. If you have observed some features in the list below in your spouse, you might be dealing with a narcissistic person. The aim of this website is to offer help and support to people who are experiencing narcissism, cheating or mental abuse in their relationship.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is a term that refers to a certain kind of a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD) and a narcissist is a person suffering of this disorder. As you continue reading, please keep in mind that the purpose of this website is not to mock or judge narcissists since they are considered to be mentally disturbed individuals. The purpose of this website is to help the victims of narcissists by providing information regarding this personality disorder along with support and individual feedback regarding one's situation.

There are countless of men and women in the world who are suffering in their relationship without understanding that they are involved with a mentally disturbed individual. These "victims of narcissists" are often depressed and anxious and they often blame themselves of the problems in their relationship. The aim of this website is to spread the information of this personality disorder that is affecting so many people around the planet. If you find this website to be helpful for you, please feel free to spread the word so that more people can find help from here.

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:

  • Inability to empathy
  • Expects special treatment
  • Feeling of entitlement
  • Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
  • Inability to receive criticism
  • Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
  • Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
  • Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
  • Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
  • Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
  • In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
  • Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcissistic supply).
  • Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.


In a relationship with a narcissist - The different phases


During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is often in his or her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and lovely, which often makes one to fall head over heels in love with them. If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of a narcissist than the Lover that the secret relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new Lover, a narcissist is often claiming that they are very unhappy in their current relationship, are about to get a divorce/separate, have never felt as strongly towards anyone else as they are now feeling towards the new Lover, etc. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to disarm the other person and to make the other person fall for them.

We all want to be loved and adored by the person we love. During the idealization phase a narcissist is fulfilling this need and is making us feel special, this is why it is so difficult to resist them. Unfortunately this "honeymoon" period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.


During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, they may become cold and uncaring almost overnight. A narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly a narcissist finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve such treatment. You may try to please your partner and try to "make him or her love you again", however nothing you do seems to be good enough.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse "available", in case the new relationship does not work out the way they are expecting. A narcissist is often getting "kicks" when he or she is thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are "madly in love" with him/her. This feeling serves as the source of a narcissistic supply.


During the phase of discarding a narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs and wishes of their (soon-to-be former) spouse. A narcissist is ready to move on after either finding another source of a narcissistic supply or simply having drained the current source (the current spouse) dry. The current spouse no longer serves as a source of a narcissistic supply and therefore the current spouse is no longer useful for a narcissist. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is usually no chance to reason with them. If you try to beg them to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing them with a transient source of a narcissistic supply as they feel you are now devastated after loosing the Perfect Being.


Narcissists are not pure sadists

As I stated above, the purpose of this website is not to mock narcissists since they are considered to be mentally disturbed individuals. It is important to keep in mind that a narcissist is not a pure sadist. A sadist is a person who experiences pleasure when he or she is acting emotionally and physically violently and sees the pain this behavior is causing to others. For a sadist, this pleasure serves as motivation for violence. Narcissists do not experience similar pleasure when they see other people hurting. In this regard their motivation for abuse is different from a "pure" sadist.

One of the main problems with narcissists is that they are extremely self-centered and unable to put themselves into the position of another person. A person who is not narcissistic can relate to the people around, and due to this a normal person is usually not behaving in a way that is making other people feel bad.

A narcissist, however, often cannot understand that his or her behavior is making the other person feel sad and depressed. Due to this a narcissist often gets angry when he or she feels that the other person is "making a huge thing out of nothing" or cannot forget their misbehavior in just 5 minutes. The spouse of a narcissist perceives this total lack of empathy as cruel and cold-hearted behavior.

A Narcissist and cheating

A typical example of the inability to put oneself into another person's position is when a narcissist has been cheating on his or her spouse, but has returned back together with the cheated spouse after the cheating took place. A narcissist cannot understand that it takes a long time for another person to get over the negative memories related to cheating. The process of getting over cheating in a relationship can take years. A narcissist does not understand that the other person must process the matter for as long as it is needed and during this time one must ask the same questions over and over again in an attempt to rebuild the trust. On the contrary, a narcissist may get upset and angry, even revert to a narcissistic rage, if the cheated spouse cannot get over the betrayal relatively soon. Sometimes a narcissist expects the recovery process to happen in just a matter of days, even though in reality the process takes on average 1-2 years.

Support and help for the victims of narcissists

The purpose of this website is to help the victims of narcissists by providing information regarding this personality disorder along with support and individual feedback regarding one's situation. It is fascinating to think that we can alter our own thought processes by using relatively simple methods and mental exercises. If you wish to read more about these issues and learn ways to influence the way your mind is working, please visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. If you are feeling depressed or anxious due to problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.

Please keep in mind that you are the person who knows your spouse the best and hence you are the only one who can judge whether you might be dealing with a narcissistic person or not. It is not possible to make a "diagnosis" without knowing the person, however, it is possible to give certain probabilities regarding whether you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.

If you discover that your spouse indeed is a narcissist, you will find help and support from this website. You can read the stories of people who have been in a relationship with a narcissist to determine if you are dealing with one by going to page Stories - Narcissism. To read more about narcissism, visit page Narcissism. If you would like to get my feedback regarding your situation, please read instructions as to how to send your story from here: Send your story.


Comments (710)
  • justme
    Confused, yet also feel I am correct in thinking my husband is a narcissist. He takes great pride in saying and stating daily how he is an empath. He also takes pride in how honest, intelligent and giving he is and how well in touch with himself he is. In the beginning he was charming. Since the day we've been married (for little over a year now) he is getting worse. Started with retreating physical contact. He claimed it was of his physical pain as he claims he has physical ailments yet after years of visiting doctors, specialist, ER and many many specific tests nothing shows as him being sick. He claims the doctors are all too stupid and again prides himself in how he himself figures everything out by himself.
    He also always mentions how he studied the brain (and psychology). He is smart, I will give him that, he's a software genius but he also claims to know all about the brain and how people are wired. He loves telling me about how insecure I am and how I show no empathy, how I am not in contact with my own feelings yet I am the one with people that call them self my friend and he has no one that wants to be around him. I know I have my faults, I know I have insecurities and I have always been honest about them, try hard to work on them and all of that he uses against me whenever I have an opinion different to what he has. He will also always say how I "argue" esp when I share my opinion about a subject. I will also be told my thoughts are childish, not well thought through etc. I have been told not to speak with my mouth open (he makes me out to be some child when I talk with a tiny bit of food I am about to swallow), he will tell me to not talk back to him and continuously have another remark about my personality. It made me wonder about his "love" for me. How can you love when you openly seem to not like anything about a person. I asked him and he said I was being silly and how that insecure question does not deserve a respond. Not any of my questions seem to deserve a respond.
    So due to pain he could no longer be physical (is what he said). It started out with let's just cuddle, to cuddling hurts too, to no more kissing. There is no physical attention shown at all from him. I tried to change how I touch him to how I speak to him and how I physically touch him. Whenever I want to discus the situation I again am told I am acting insecure and should know I love him and how that should be enough. Another explanation he gave me for no physical contact was that he didn't feel an emotional connection towards me and how without an emotional connection he couldn't be physical with me. That concerned me so I wanted to address that only to be told yet again that it is my insecurities and if only I listened to him, really listened to him than we can be close again. Now I listen to him and I hear what he says, he feels it is not good enough, If I listened I would act "better" I would be able to dictate word by word what he said. One little thing, I myself am not a native English speaker and culturally we have some different ways of thinking and talking, he claims he knows all that.. as he is super smart plus as empath and he feels all that I mean but because I can't share word by word what was said than well meh f*** me is his attitude.
    He also always wants to be noticed by people, he has childish dreams and fantasies about becoming friends with famous people and how "they" would appreciate his intelligence. All his exes were crazy and spread lies about him yet he needs to stay friends with them because he has such a big heart. In childhood his mom over protected him, stroke his ego big time where his dad was emotionally/verbally violent, he threw lots of tantrums (the dad). He believes he is entitled, that people own him all sorts (esp apologies), befriends strange women or ex lovers and has conversations with them which if I was mature I would accept. I don't have an issue when my partner talks to an ex or a female friend, as long as it is all above board and there is no sexual charge.
    He continuously tells me how honest he is. In the beginning of our relationship we talked about being open and honest about our feelings. I always was and he has been using it against me. This weekend he showed me the biggest lie. Sexual preference, I asked him about it and he claimed to be a sensual, one woman man that has no fantasies about inviting people into our relationship. The last weeks he has been talking about how he, before we met, would go to this swingers club... for ambiance only as people there are so open and honest and the music was great. Later the story changed and he actually had a threesome, later a few more encounters, followed by how at the club he met one ex of his and this weekend he ended up expressing how he wants us to go there. How great it would be for ME ! No it is not ! It is not my scene. First no men for him, followed by a maybe than as ending how he could be with a man. I am furious ! I lost trust and he acts like nothing was said. During weekend he also kept mentioning how he is not my ex ??? I don't bring up my ex, he's an ex for a reason.
    I often feel my husband is a narcissist than I get confused and feel maybe it is me?Maybe I am being difficult. I want to share one more thing that really scared me. This weekend again, he was drinking but handles it rather ok(ish). He bought batteries for a pair of scales and wanted to put them in our small rather dust collecting bathroom. I clean that bathroom and rather had the scales outside the bathroom so I said the following in normal voice "Love, would you mind placing the scales outside of the bathroom?" He blew up ! Started raising his voice how he empathically knew I would react this hysterically (I was so blown away by this reaction I just spaced out by not knowing what hit me so I kept quiet and listened to him). He yelled how he just knew I would go berserk over the scales and all because I am so insecure about my weight. You may need to know that in the past I mentioned to him that I don't go on scales as I know this causes me to not stay realistic about my weight and how it can cause me to obsess over my weight and my eating habits. Something I am aware of and what I know I need to watch so I don't step on scales :) He now was throwing that in his tantrum on how I have issues and can't look at the scales and how important it was for his health. When he was done ranting I stupidly reacted by trying to tell him how I don't care about the scales being there but just not in the bathroom directly as it will collect even more dust. I will admit that I like my bathroom overly clean- almost OCD about it ;)- and dust free. I apologized to him about it and how I shouldn't have asked but he went on about the bathroom this time. How I never mentioned the dust. Which I had, I already took out a lot of clutter that only collected big nests of dust... it is his house that I moved into and I was (am) not "allowed' to make changes without having "talked" (ask permission) about it yet this removing of unused object I did when I was cleaning his bathroom from mold. He finally accepted my apologies (I felt I should not have requested him to put the scales outside of the bathroom and just work around it). The house is another thing, I can not make any changes and everything in it is his. He will not get rid of anything even when it is falling apart. He holds on to everything from his past incl (sexy naked) pictures of exes, couch with big rip in it. Everything in the house holds a memory of past relationships. I know I may be spoiled but when you get married I hoped we would buy some new stuff that would be ours, not his and his exes (think bedding, blankets and everything else personal).
    I left my loving family and country for him. I feel embarrassed as my family thinks I am happy with him. I feel like a failure and quite stupid. Anything I say can and will be used against me yet I love him and don't want to leave him as everyone else left him (I have this sick twisted brain that sees the scared child in adults). Wow ! I typed a lot :0
  • Debbie Bachman  - npd stages
    Great article.
  • Debbie Bachman  - stages of npd
  • Debbie Bachman
    This really describes the stages. Wow!!! Need to make sure of her safety

  • Jypsy  - How?
    What you need to do and would really help you..is realizing that it is a choice. You can choose to be devoted to your family...and not to stray. You can also pray for help. Prayer really does work! Pray for forgiveness for the very thought, and ask God to deliver you from those feelings. Remember your beautiful wife when you first got with her...and remember all of the good memories you have. Do not think of negative. Also think of her feelings if you can. Think of how you would feel if someone did that to you. Then you might think twice about making that mistake. God Bless you and your family!
  • Angel  - Living with a Narc,Sociopath Cop
    I live with a man, who had a poor upbringing. Later became an officer. He loves control, justifies almost everything. Loves to work, only to hear the praising from those who he puts on the charm too... needs reassuring all the time. He acts as if he cares about his co-workers, then you will always hear him say; NO ONE knows how to do his job better than him. And no-one at his work, works as hard as he does! When he comes home, he will point out almost everything wrong with the house. If you dare ask him any questions about his day or anything, he becomes very defensive. Then tells everyone, I am the insecure person in the relationship. When we drive, he points out everything that's wrong, such as; the roads are wrong whoever thought of it was wrong, and has no idea what their doing...etc...
    All his no good behavior he does, he blames me? He knows how to get to me, being together for 16yrs. He will start an argument, blame me. Then leave for the weekend or week, then come back trying to make me believe it was my fault, and we should just start over. Later I will find out, he was talking to some girl... his answer is; "it was the weekend or week we weren't together". He has no empathy, no social skills other than negative things, can not sympathize, no morals, he can never do no wrong, even if you have proof of his wrong actions..he still will fault you not him. I know who I am, I know I deserve better, I know how to treat others, I know how to love, and follow my heart, I am strong, he is weak..and I am not going to let him suck the love out of me! He's coming......gotta go....
  • Elle  - Angel, I think we may be dealing with the same guy
    Please get in touch with me, I can't believe that I am finally hearing about someone else dealing with a gut for 15 years who does all the same things... outdoorzzy@yahoo.com
  • Jen  - Narcissistic Survivor?
    Hi everyone:
    A year ago my (now ex) boyfriend and I broke up. I thought it was the perfect relationship. In the beginning he gave me everything I wanted, flowers, gifts, etc. Then as the relationship progressed he seemed to have backed off a little bit. He cheated on me (he made out with a girl) but than came home and told me with tears in his eyes. I see many signs of a narcissistic in my ex. Example, I feel he lacks empathy for a great deal of people, maybe not for everything, but for most of them, he is vain, he made fake-future promises to me, he criticized (in a joking manner) me throughout our relationship and even to this day (we still talk from time to time)and when we broke up, I really couldn't understand why and didn't for so long until I read the signs about narcissism.

    Like I said, we dated almost a year ago and I am still having problems moving passed our relationship, as if I am holding onto his fake-future promises and what he was in the beginning. Can anything help me? Does everyone else that my ex is a narcissist? How do I move past this? How come I still want to be with him?
  • Anonymous
    The exact same thing happened to me. You move on by one of 2 ways. You either accept that he has a mental disorder and get back into the relationship knowing the score or you move on by knowing that he has a disorder and it is not your fault he is mentally ill...because it's not!
  • Manu Pratto  - What if i discover I'm a Narcisist?
    reading the blog, i can recognize some of this behavior on myself and i don't want to hurt my wife and family...
    I do see my own faults and don't see myself as a superior being, but having cheated on my wife for all the wrong reasons I do see now that I am addicted to the narcissistic supply i was getting from my former lover... and I don't want to be dependent on it nor cheat again... but i fear i will be tempted at some point...
    What can i do?
  • lovely  - struggling with memories of my love life
    hi...i'm lovely..i don't know how to explain my pain to you that caused due to my love life,, i'm sick i want to start a new life..hope you can help me.i read all the thesis that you wrote on wall about relationship plss help me ..
    you know he was loving me to the hell ..i trusted him a lot ..he cheated me he betrayed me ..he forgot all the promises every thing and left me..pls help me to come out of his memories i thought of committing suicide too but my mom face flashed on me..but living like this is really worse ..he broke my trust..i'm not able to concentrate on studies too..i sacrificed all ma life to him..today he left me all alone with tears ..i'll go mad like this...my parents are planning for my wedding with other.i'm feeling so much guilt to marry because i had physical relation with him..it's killing..i from orthodox family i cant tell my parents nor to anyone..hope you will help me
  • Kate  - To Lovely
    Lovely, I'm so sorry for your pain, I can hear & feel it in your words, but I am no therapist, I'm merely trying to put myself back together again and it strengthens me to share the enlightenments that have finally started to set me free. First and foremost you need to read everything you can about NPD, knowledge is power and the only power that can really help you understand and cope with all you're feeling and going through, so READ, READ, READ!! The Narc is a PRO at making others believe he's a saint and you're just crazy, they deliberately alienate you from your friends and family to control you and break you down. If you have no one to turn to for support he wins... he think's, but you dont need ANYONE else to validate the fact he's a monster... HE BLOODY WELL IS and YOU KNOW IT and THATS ALL THAT MATTERS, b/c its likely no one else will see it, so just accept you are on your own! In my situation my father died of cancer just last April, not believing me, my own narcissistic mother witnessed him break my collarbone right in front of her and to this day doesnt believe my spouse is really that evil, my kids couldnt bear us fighting nor did I expect them to that's just not right or fair to them, my only 2 girlfriends moved out of state 3yrs ago and I cant even talk to them on facebook or the phone in private, so there was/is absolutely NO ONE for me to cry to and lean on for support, not even the local mental health places have staff that are able to help me b/c I dont have enough money. Its been extremely empty & lonely, but I used that pain to snap me out of it. If I want the pain and loneliness to stop, what do I have to do? I have to give up on him, focus on me and MY survival/happiness, make a solid escape plan, commit to it quietly, and whatever you do, dont EVER tell him ANYTHING (or he'll make it even harder on you). Look for an apt, think about how you would decorate it... make it your secret escape from him... a place you can start over, ANEW & without him. Right now, you are your own worst enemy, not him, his control of you is an illusion he's sold you. He's mind screwed you so badly that you believe you need him still and cant just walk away, but thats all FALSE! As false as the words "I LOVE YOU" are from his wicked lips. GET MAD, indignant... that he has betrayed you, hurt you, b/c the most painful truth you have to realize is that is exactly what he gets off on... your tears, your hurt, your anguish and disappointment... its his DRUG and it makes him feel GOD LIKE to have that kind of crippling power over you. DONT GIVE THAT TO HIM. Ghandi said "NO ONE CAN HURT ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION". ITS TRUE!! You have to seriously stop and take tally of whats most important. YOU ARE, and getting rid of him... not your parents opinions or their religious beliefs. I dont care how righteous your parents think they are, if they simply point a guilty finger at you and abandon you for being victimized by a TRULY EVIL PERSON, that would make them just as wrong as him. They are suppose to love you and protect you from monsters like him. It is a BLESSING that you have not married him. DONT, if you continue down that path think whats going to happen next... children? If he doesnt abuse them just for being born, he will certainly abuse you twice as much for having them. NO JOKE!! The narcissist cant stand to NOT be the center of attention. Children demand constant care, energy, and love... thats everything your supposed lover is already leeching from you isnt it? Do you really think you can sustain MORE strain and stress and be a good mother and protect your children from him? There is also a great likely hood that he will eventually corrupt them and use them against you. Just imagine little "mini me's" of him, that treat you just as thanklessly and horribly as he does. I saw where another woman wrote that she was staying with her abuser for the sake of her children. SHE WILL REGRET THAT. Narcissist have NO morality and NO MERCY... no tabu is off limits to them, and that includes incest with their own children and even their siblings too. There are MANY sickening cases shared on sites like these, but as with all things, narcissist's are extremely cunning and they can fool even experts with their lies, so seldom do they get reported and prosecuted unless they're caught red handed by law enforcement or literally on video camera. But I digress, right now, you are still FREE until you CHOOSE to marry him. You mentioned suicide, strike that from you thoughts NOW and ever more! Just remember, if he get's off on your tears and suffering... imagine how much MORE glorified he'd feel if you killed yourself over HIM? Realize also, that he would only further piss on your memory by using your death to make other unwitting females feel sorry for him, saying things like "how could she be so selfish to leave me like this", again making you the "BAD PERSON" even in death... Do you really want that? DO NOTHING FOR HIS PLEASURE. He is all about setting you up, then shoving you under the bus... he constantly denies you happiness and pleasure. Please for your own sake, let yourself just go numb from this crap. See his game and beat him at it. Dont cry in front of him, it only empowers him. Get in your car and take a drive, go to a friend and let it go. I found that telling my friend what had happened only made me relive it and the hurt all over again, so I stopped retelling what happened to others. Its holding on to the past in a way and destructive to you. Try to remind yourself constantly that he is not a normal person and that other normal people wont even be able to phathom the things you claim b/c they are SO INHUMAN. Seriously, one friend whom I am no longer friends with, once eluded to the idea that I either liked the pain or I did something to deserve it... if ever you hear words like that, walk away from that person. Unless they have lived through what you are going through most people just cant understand, so dont expect them to. You take care of you. Dont do things to please others feelings at the expense of your own... people like that will only use you like a doormat and expect even more from you. I want you to make one day a wk YOUR personal day for you. Make the whole day about you... get up and drink your favorite tea/coffee, make and eat a favorite food, go window shop, work on a craft of some kind, or even just watch a favorite movie or go for a walk. End the day with a candle light bath... whatever brings you comfort! It'd be great if you can share some of that day with a real friend. They dont have to know your private motives for doing these things, they'll just enjoy being included... if they ask whats up, say "just b/c" and smile. I really hope my words give you some ideas and encouragement. Every night, no matter what happens, you tell yourself "I AM A GOOD AND LOVING PERSON AND I WILL BE AN EVEN BETTER PERSON WHEN ALL THIS CRAP IS BEHIND ME. Say it, believe it, and start fixing your situation now. Remember the narc choose you b/c you REALLY ARE a decent and giving person, more than most people, b/c you are the only kind of person who will give him a chance and put up with him and he envies and hates you for that unique ability... dont let him destroy it! Good luck & be Strong!!!
  • Kate  - Liberty or your death!?
    After the last 3 shocking years of horrific & often humiliating revelations, I have come to finally understand and accept that I have been married to remorseless monster(Sick or not, that is what they are for all purposes!), devoid of ANY normal human compassion or loving feelings except for himself for the last 20 yrs. Sicker yet, is that my 21y/o son has fallen victim to the same sick behaviors and has even assisted his father in cheating on me in our family home with girls his age, sneaking them in and out of our home while I was there, right in the next room. I cant tell you how many times I died a little more inside as I would ALMOST catch him in the actual sex act with someone else. I say someone, b/c his lusts were not limited to the opposite sex. I witnessed him, several times, sneaking around in the wee hours of the night, with our next door neighbor GUY, when he cockily thought I was asleep & unaware. That was the last revelation I needed to break me out of my trying to deny what he was doing & realized how hopeless confrontation & counseling was in this situation. There is no guilt for what they do, hence they will never admit they have anything to fix or make amends for. The sooner you find the strength to make the break and leave, the sooner you can start to heal. Normally, in any other experience in life, I would tell others its wrong to just try to pretend nothing happened and totally forget about that person who brought you so much suffering, but with a Narcissist, its exactly what you need to do! GET AWAY COMPLETELY and NEVER LOOK BACK AGAIN! I mean it, if you can move out of state, its the best for you so they cant continue to show up and plague you. If you're lucky they will just dismiss you and act as though you were never really there and never want to have anything to do with you again, which is extremely painful, but way better than the type who get bent on revenge & ruining your life for having the nerve to actually leave them. Look at it this way... the Narcissistic person you have been with all these years was NEVER real to begin with!! Everything they said and did that was good was nothing but a lie, a ruse, a devious plot, just to win you over and lull you into mindless trust of them so that they could fully take advantage of you and use you as if you gave them permission to do so. They actually invent and reinvent themselves for nothing more than the opportunity to impress other people, in truth deep down they really hate themselves & cant even face that truth. They are a facade, a truly empty, hollow fake of made up nothingness!!! When you put the things they've done and your life with them in this perspective you realize, it was ALL A TERRIBLE LIE, each and everyday of your life. If you cheated on them or sought some other sort of minor petty revenge in a pain wracked moment of your tortured life, how can you be so wrong for it? If you feel you failed them... how could you when they aren't even real to begin with. They failed you from the start b/c they were NEVER what they claimed to be! The Bible says do unto others as you would yourself, well what have they done unto you? The bible also said an eye for an eye is fair judgement, so by that reasoning they deserve equal mistreatment, though, I am NOT condoning doing deliberately wrong things to them once you have realized what & how they really are... Im just saying you have every right to walk away GUILT FREE of the past b/c unlike them you were only human and broke down when pushed to extremes that NO decent person should EVER be put through. I was and still am a "trophy wife", a proud possession he could march out in front of others and impress in any situation with my many charms and talents. Yet, I suffered in silence not able to figure out the duality in his treatment of me and other wrong behaviors he displayed, until he simply got too cocky & sloppy, and I accidentally started seeing the ugly truth with my own two eyes. I made excuses to everyone about the bruises, the broken bones, destruction of my personal property and possessions & random cruelty they witnessed, worst of all I lied to myself until the bitter end when he crushed the very last little bit of hope I had with the 24y/o next door neighbor slut he was screwing in our kids bath room, less than 13ft from our bed where I laid crying silently in the dark, listening to his grunts of satisfaction. Unbelievably I still look at him and wish he could just wake up and stop doing the wicked things he does, but reality is that he will likely NEVER see the error of his ways. Living with this type of persona ends one of two ways. They win and you lose the last shreds of your own self... DEATH of you & who you once were, just to please them (is that really what you want or deserve?)... or you GET AWAY and liberate yourself from a never ending agony. The bible also says suffer unto yourself what you will... thats what you do if you stay and it will be the death of everything you are, maybe even literally if your narcissist is as violent as mine was/is. Never give up, never surrender... get out and live again. It's never easy, but its more than worth the struggle to start over. I will have a happier, fuller life... stronger and wiser for what I lived through and I will never let someone like him into my life again! You are never truly broken until you give up on yourself. DONT give them that one last vain satisfaction, by letting them think you are utterly lost, permanently damaged, and cant live without them... give up on them, and live for YOU. Your best revenge is ultimately your own renewed happiness! It is their destruction b/c they will never be more than what they are now, shallow, petty, cruel, envious, empty liars who will eventually die alone with only their hate for company. The last thing they want to see is you happy because that means THEY weren't the most SPECIAL, IMPORTANT THING in your life that they so desperately told themselves they were... they were in fact the BIG NOTHING they've always feared they are! God Bless and be STRONG!
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