The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and I am currently doing brain research in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - A Narcissistic Spouse
You may have navigated to these pages while looking for information regarding the disturbing behavior of your spouse or someone close to you. You may feel there is something wrong with your spouse, but you cannot quite figure out what it is. All you know is that you are not feeling happy and you are having hard time understanding the strange behavior of your partner. If you have observed some features in the list below in your spouse, you might be dealing with a narcissistic person. The aim of this website is to offer help and support to people who are experiencing narcissism, cheating or mental abuse in their relationship.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism is a term that refers to a certain kind of a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD) and a narcissist is a person suffering of this disorder. As you continue reading, please keep in mind that the purpose of this website is not to mock or judge narcissists since they are considered to be mentally disturbed individuals. The purpose of this website is to help the victims of narcissists by providing information regarding this personality disorder along with support and individual feedback regarding one's situation.
There are countless of men and women in the world who are suffering in their relationship without understanding that they are involved with a mentally disturbed individual. These "victims of narcissists" are often depressed and anxious and they often blame themselves of the problems in their relationship. The aim of this website is to spread the information of this personality disorder that is affecting so many people around the planet. If you find this website to be helpful for you, please feel free to spread the word so that more people can find help from here.
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
- Inability to empathy
- Expects special treatment
- Feeling of entitlement
- Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
- Inability to receive criticism
- Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
- Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
- Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
- Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
- Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
- In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
- Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcissistic supply).
- Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.
In a relationship with a narcissist - The different phases
During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is often in his or her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and lovely, which often makes one to fall head over heels in love with them. If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of a narcissist than the Lover that the secret relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new Lover, a narcissist is often claiming that they are very unhappy in their current relationship, are about to get a divorce/separate, have never felt as strongly towards anyone else as they are now feeling towards the new Lover, etc. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to disarm the other person and to make the other person fall for them.
We all want to be loved and adored by the person we love. During the idealization phase a narcissist is fulfilling this need and is making us feel special, this is why it is so difficult to resist them. Unfortunately this "honeymoon" period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.
During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, they may become cold and uncaring almost overnight. A narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly a narcissist finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve such treatment. You may try to please your partner and try to "make him or her love you again", however nothing you do seems to be good enough.
During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse "available", in case the new relationship does not work out the way they are expecting. A narcissist is often getting "kicks" when he or she is thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are "madly in love" with him/her. This feeling serves as the source of a narcissistic supply.
During the phase of discarding a narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs and wishes of their (soon-to-be former) spouse. A narcissist is ready to move on after either finding another source of a narcissistic supply or simply having drained the current source (the current spouse) dry. The current spouse no longer serves as a source of a narcissistic supply and therefore the current spouse is no longer useful for a narcissist. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is usually no chance to reason with them. If you try to beg them to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing them with a transient source of a narcissistic supply as they feel you are now devastated after loosing the Perfect Being.
Narcissists are not pure sadists
As I stated above, the purpose of this website is not to mock narcissists since they are considered to be mentally disturbed individuals. It is important to keep in mind that a narcissist is not a pure sadist. A sadist is a person who experiences pleasure when he or she is acting emotionally and physically violently and sees the pain this behavior is causing to others. For a sadist, this pleasure serves as motivation for violence. Narcissists do not experience similar pleasure when they see other people hurting. In this regard their motivation for abuse is different from a "pure" sadist.
One of the main problems with narcissists is that they are extremely self-centered and unable to put themselves into the position of another person. A person who is not narcissistic can relate to the people around, and due to this a normal person is usually not behaving in a way that is making other people feel bad.
A narcissist, however, often cannot understand that his or her behavior is making the other person feel sad and depressed. Due to this a narcissist often gets angry when he or she feels that the other person is "making a huge thing out of nothing" or cannot forget their misbehavior in just 5 minutes. The spouse of a narcissist perceives this total lack of empathy as cruel and cold-hearted behavior.
A Narcissist and cheating
A typical example of the inability to put oneself into another person's position is when a narcissist has been cheating on his or her spouse, but has returned back together with the cheated spouse after the cheating took place. A narcissist cannot understand that it takes a long time for another person to get over the negative memories related to cheating. The process of getting over cheating in a relationship can take years. A narcissist does not understand that the other person must process the matter for as long as it is needed and during this time one must ask the same questions over and over again in an attempt to rebuild the trust. On the contrary, a narcissist may get upset and angry, even revert to a narcissistic rage, if the cheated spouse cannot get over the betrayal relatively soon. Sometimes a narcissist expects the recovery process to happen in just a matter of days, even though in reality the process takes on average 1-2 years.
Support and help for the victims of narcissists
The purpose of this website is to help the victims of narcissists by providing information regarding this personality disorder along with support and individual feedback regarding one's situation. It is fascinating to think that we can alter our own thought processes by using relatively simple methods and mental exercises. If you wish to read more about these issues and learn ways to influence the way your mind is working, please visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. If you are feeling depressed or anxious due to problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.
Please keep in mind that you are the person who knows your spouse the best and hence you are the only one who can judge whether you might be dealing with a narcissistic person or not. It is not possible to make a "diagnosis" without knowing the person, however, it is possible to give certain probabilities regarding whether you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.
If you discover that your spouse indeed is a narcissist, you will find help and support from this website. You can read the stories of people who have been in a relationship with a narcissist to determine if you are dealing with one by going to page Stories - Narcissism. To read more about narcissism, visit page Narcissism. If you would like to get my feedback regarding your situation, please read instructions as to how to send your story from here: Send your story.