Your response made me cry (I am at work at my office)... That is a RELIEF. You don't know how this feels, after all this time I finally got to speak / message to someone who tells me I am right. You don't know what comfort that is. I have been waiting for this day for ages! THANK YOU SO MUCH. I will download your book and I will support your site.
And I thought I was going crazy! I googled " extreme jealousy" some time ago because I knew there was something wrong, all the bare-faced lying, I just couldn't believe it. He is trying to turn it around onto me... Whilst walking in the park last week he said he hasn't cheated, he hasn't hit me (well he pushed me a few times) so why am I finishing with him. "Mental cruelty", I believe that was the word his ex mother-in-law used when he broke up from his wife. I met his wife recently (she was my friend and still is) and she said she could not stand his moods. She was long finished with him before I came along.
Maria, you have made one lady feel very happy today! An answer of nine years of hell! Why oh why did I stay... Because like you, I was in love... Well I thought I was in love... I wish I had never met him, I wish he hadn't had nine years of my life. But we live and we learn by our mistakes. Next time, the next man that comes along, the first red flag, and I am walking to the other direction.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will sleep well tonight.
Big, big hug!
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and I am currently doing brain research in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
(To read the previous letter of this writer, visit page Breaking Free From a Narcissistic Spouse)
Thank you for your email. I am so glad if I was able to make you feel better and give you encouragement regarding the future! Please remember this as you travel down the road towards the Full Recovery: Do not be hard on yourself, you were not making a "foolish mistake" when you stayed with your narcissistic husband for 9 years. You were simply in love. You followed your heart and you wished your husband would change. You waited this long because of your love towards your husband. Your strong feelings towards him kept you "hooked".
Same thing has happened to all of us who have been in a relationship with a narcissist. The most important thing to realize is that you were in love with the dream image, not with this cruel person who has been treating you so badly. This is again something that has happened to all of us. With time we start to see the person as he or she really is. Slowly the scales drop from our eyes and we start to realize what the narcissist has been doing to us. That is the moment when we start to want OUT.
Please do not blame yourself for staying with your husband for so many years. So many people end up staying in this kind of a relationship for tens of years. You still have a life ahead of you. 53 in our days is different from 53 say a hundred years ago. Hundred years ago a person who was 53 was considered to be old (that is due to the worse living conditions, hard work people had to do, diseases that could not be cured etc). That is not the case in today's world. Nowadays "old age" starts much, much later. People stay in good condition much longer than before.
You still have several tens of years of quality life ahead of you. Think how wonderful your life will be when your narcissistic husband is out of it, how wonderful you feel without the constant stress, depression, anxiety and general sad mood. You have cut off a malignant tumor (your narcissistic husband), a dark cloud that was hiding your Sun!
I am glad you wrote to me. I also wish to thank you for supporting my website by downloading my book. As I said in my previous reply to you, I wish to be able to answer personally to all the people who are writing to me. I know how important it is to get personal feedback. By downloading the book you are helping me to carry on with this work. Thank you! Dear Reader, if you wish to find out more about the book and help yourself to recover after cheating and a relationship with a narcissist, visit page Learn to Control Your Emotions.
Dear Friend, please feel free to write back to me whenever you feel like it. If you have difficult moments in the future regarding these matters, please do not hesitate to write. It takes some time to process these things in your head, there will be ups and downs. When you are having a blue moment, you can write to me, putting the thoughts on paper will help you.
Lots of strength and a warm hug!
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to